Shocking

Well, what a shocking couple of weeks for celebrity news, darlings, what a shocking couple of weeks. It could only get more shocking if Jeremy Beadle were to come back from the grave on Saturday night telly to say it was all a joke after all, to show the nation that his wife is “Game For a Laugh”, that it was his biggest prank yet and what an absolute gas!

Oh, but the death of the delectable Heath Ledger. No laughs there.

And Amy into Rehab. No actual shocks there, I suppose. Thank god she went back to black beforehand, anyway - the blonde wasn’t working. And how comforting to know that her bosses at Universal are committed to helping her “continue her ongoing recovery from drug addiction … and prepare for her planned appearance at the Grammy Awards”. Nothing cynical about that at all. What a warming tonic for the soul.

Then, as I cycled home through Old Street at 3am this morning I was arrested by the headlines screaming from the red-tops outside the Shell garage. “BRITNEY‘S 60 CRAZY HOURS” in The Sun. “THE ABYSS” for the same story in the mirror. She’s been sectioned again, so the poor cow’s “shocking” saga continues on our coffee tables….

But surely most shocking of all, what has compelled me to put fingers to keypad and is bizarrely hardly documented, is the rise and rise of Kylie’s right eyebrow. The fashion editors have been up in arms about the terrible frock she was wearing at Cannes. Don’t they get it? It was meant to be a distraction from pop’s most pronounced raised eyebrow. I can’t bear it any longer. Someone do something! For a woman of 4’11” to have an eyebrow that is 6’4” is shocking and wrong. The damn thing is practically holding her up.



Madonna’s left eyebrow has also been frozen by botox with a more subtle accent, which she more cleverly and consistently disguises. And Madonna’s always been a filthy bitch so she gets away with it as part of the look. Her raised left eyebrow casually whispers, “Come hither, or don’t and that’s fine ‘cos I’ll just get back to my knitting”, whereas Kylie’s positively shrieks, “GET THE HELL OVER HERE NOW OR I’M GONNA JUMP!”





Someone. Do something!

And, finally: I’m pretty convinced Bruce Forsythe is getting younger.